"The
Reader's Digest Telephone Marriage Poll by Benjamin B. Conley, M.Div., LMFT Reader's Digest recently found that 30% of the men polled in its telephone survey of 1,000 married people wish they could talk to their wives more openly about spiritual matters. At the same time, 38% of the men polled hide their desire for affection. These two bits of information are part of the landscape of current marriages, painted with a 42% divorce rate, according to managing editor Katherine Walker. A hidden desire for affection, unwillingness to talk about spiritual matters, and a 42% divorce rate. Could these items be the three faces of the same reality? I start with the un-provable assumption that we are all connected with the world around us from birth, and that the infant's innocent openness illustrates that. Recently in the supermarket, I encountered a round, open-eyed face examining me over the shoulder of his mother. At several months of age, he had not yet learned to be afraid of connecting with me, not realizing that I was a "stranger." This is in contrast to the 4 year old "stranger" I encountered later, who upon making eye contact with me created the protection of a finger-screen through which he continued to communicate with me. He had a bit more need for protection, even though I was no more dangerous the second instance than the first. So, having experienced some hurt, we become acquainted with fear of repeated hurt, and the need to protect ourselves, a most helpful survival process. By the time we are adults and marry, we have learned to hide our desire for connection with others (affection and spirituality) and protect ourselves by limiting our connection with others (denial of spirituality). When we are frightened enough, we engage in "defensive" behavior that serves, often painfully, to sever our connection with others (divorce and contamination of spirituality). Then we can be "safe," look for affection from others, until, when sufficiently frightened, we limit or sever our connection with the new person. Over and over again, until we change the pattern. The spiritual dimension, our connection with others and with the universe is, in my opinion, so fundamental and powerful that it deserves to be called the "fifth dimension" of reality. I think of it as the "life force" that makes life possible, that gives plants growth, that nourishes organisms' evolution, and that provides the "spark of life" for human beings. Candace Pert, (the molecular biologist who discovered the opiate receptor on body cells) spoke of a "spark" that seems to leave the body upon death, something more than the cessation of cellular activity. Insofar as we are in harmony with the spiritual dimension, we participate in the way things are meant to be, and find our own inner peace, as a result. But what might all this have to do with a 42% divorce rate? It might be that instead of cooperating in concrete ways with the structure of our human nature and the most intimate connection with our loved ones, we may be contaminating our relationships with behavior that is domineering, critical, demeaning, and intrusive. To the degree we go against the way we are created to be and become, we will experience pain and suffering, the pain of divorce (and other failed relationships) being one result. On the other hand, when we are in harmony with the spiritual dimension, we connect with others in a loving way, accepting others and the entire world as it is, not as we wish it to be. Even when the way we wish others to be would be a relatively objective "improvement," acceptance means our giving others our "permission" to be the way they are, though we are deeply committed to being a different way. The most practical emotional and cognitive problem this position raises is: "But what shall I do about things not being the way they should be? Do I just sit passively by and let things deteriorate while I am being loving and accepting of the negative behavior around me? How do I know I am not a wimp, not whipped? How do I tolerate the evil around me?" Another version of the same question is "Why does God let evil exist?" Were we live, one application of these philosophical questions could be: "How do I get along with my spouse, when he/she doesn't agree with me?" (end) © 2001 by Benjamin B. Conley, All Rights Reserved
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